Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Face of Desperation

I've been in a really weird, bad, sad mood as of late. I know it has to do with the fact that for last year I've been killing myself working two part time jobs. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, especially the worrisome/compulsive in nature. There's a difference, too, between a job that carries a lot of responsibility and the work doesn't end from one day to the next, like my two jobs, and something like waitressing where you aren't as personally responsible and you clock out and your work is done. Perhaps working one of each kind wouldn't be so bad, but two of the former is just too much.

It kills me that I work so hard and earn so little. I'll be earning even less as one of my part time jobs is ending. I'll now only be employed part time. I'm stressed. I know we won't starve or anything, as Nate is still making good money, but it will impact our day to day life. We'll eat more spaghetti for sure. Great. So I'm the hunt for full time work (with benefits, please!), my problem is twofold: 1. there's very little out there 2. I just don't know what to do with myself.

It's less the stress of reduced income, it's the fact that I don't know what to do. I feign indecision often, but really and truly most of the time I knuckle down, figure stuff out and make bold decisions. These days, though, I'm just lost. I'm starting to question the past few years and my decisions, and that's not a great feeling. I'm realizing, I've focused on Marketing as of late because it's easier for most to understand and a commonly (though often incorrectly) used term. Then I remember: I didn't major in Marketing, I minored in it. I majored in Advertising, and I chose it because it is the creative arm of Marketing. It's not ROI and Sales Projections; it's copy writing, concepting and design. Problem = Lewiston/Auburn isn't teeming with creative Advertising work.

So now what? (Pretty organized office spaces make me feel better. breathe. breathe.) I need to be creative, I need to be challenged and I need to be on the move. I like to work with people on a personal level, but don't like the salesy, insincere B.S. I'm jealous of my former college mate who now owns a sustainable catering company just outside of Boston with her sister and friend. They cook incredible, sustainable, locally grown meals, serve local brews in mason jars and look like they have so much fun. I also love reading blogs, one in particular, A Beautiful Mess, always inspires me. This lady and her sister started a shop together - she collects and creates vintage and vintage inspired clothing, crafts and home decor. Her sister has a little bake shop where she sells cupcakes and bubble tea. They now have an online store to sell their goods and are so incredibly creative and succeful. I just don't get it. How do you just decide you want to do something one day and then do it?

I love to cook, though I didn't really grow up being challenged culinary-ily, so I'm still learning so much. I love to create - paint, craft, sew, etc - though I never really give myself very much artistic credit. I was voted most creative in high school and earned the art excellence award, but didn't pursue anything creative really, because, again I just have a hard time calling myself an artist. I am super organized when given the time and motivation. Like creepily I get a high off just looking at overly organized spaces - hence the previous picture.

Any of these things sounding like a career path to you? Let me know if it does, cause I sure as hell don't seem to know what I'm doing - and for the obsessive, organized planner, this is painful for me. Relieve me of my pain, please.

On a totally different note, I was able to accompany Kate on her ultrasound appointment yesterday, and it was SO COOL! We got to hear the baby's heart beat and see it's little head and body and where it's arms are growing. I've got the ultrasound picture hanging on my fridge, I'm so pumped for her and Jason!! yaaaay!!

So if you've got any ideas on that job front, let me know! Pretty pretty please....

Later dudes,

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